The New Year’s approaching. Holiday hassle, shopping for gifts, getting in the Xmas spirit, invitations, hosting guests and cleaning up after them. No thanks, I’ll pass.
Creating fantasies about what the next year will bring. Now you’re talking!
Making a TO-DO list:
Stay realistic. No, please don’t. I’m sick of your realism. Dream more, let others dream, don’t interrupt them in the middle of their unrealistic dreams only because they are unrealistic.
2. Send greeting cards: appreciation and congratulation messages, birthday wishes, baby wishes, wedding anniversary wishes, new job wishes, holiday, thank you, get well and good luck cards, motivation, encouragement and retirement letters.
Best of luck. Many happy returns. May your pockets be heavy and your heart light. You will definitely win the race. Wishing you a lifetime of love and happiness. May the year ahead be filled with joy. Pathetic?! So I thought.
* Get better soon or I’ll break your legs again.
* One year older. You think age is a funny thing?! Wait till you look at yourself in the mirror.
* You made it another year without one of you either ending up dead or in jail. I call that a win.
* I hope your precious bundle of joy doesn’t grow up to be a serial killer.
* Congrats on your retirement. You’ll be one more person who’s happy on Mondays.
* I wish you love and happiness. Blah, blah…screw that! I wish you lots of sex, booze, orgasms and hope you win the lotto!
* If you got stung by a jelly fish, I’d totally pee on you.
3. Write to Santa. Don’t be modest! Wish big wishes. Look at today’s kids. Sure they want a baby kitten or a puppy, but they would also like a Nerf gun, a Monster High doll/four wheeler, an iPod, an iPhone, and a lap top.
I tear up 2 pages, grab a pen and start writing.
I hope you are doing well.
Is it very cold at the North Pole?
How do you get your reindeer to fly? How are the elves?
Is there Mrs. Claus?
I’ll leave you some milk and cookies, just so you know (or you’d rather have a hamburger and Coke?)
I hope to get some gifts in exchange. I’m not really into gifts but this year I changed by mind. I wouldn’t like a surprise in a box. I hate surprises.
I hear sleigh bells ringing. Jolly laugh seems terribly familiar.
Crunch, crunch, crunch. Bang! (somebody’s coming down the chimney) Could it be burglars?
A moment later, I see a portly, joyous, white-bearded man wearing a red coat, white-fur-cuffed red pants, a black leather belt and boots, and carrying a huge bag in his hand.
Ho, ho, ho.
Me: (taken aback) Bless you, Santa. My oh my, who would have…Can I call you Santa?
Santa: Thank you. You can call me Santa Claus or Saint Nicholas, Saint Nick, Kris Kringle, Father Christmas, Santy or simply Santa. I hope you were good this year.
Me: Well…………That’s a loooooooong story. Aren’t you in a hurry? You came earlier this year. It’s not Xmas day yet. I didn’t expect you so soon.
Santa: Yes. I have lots of presents to deliver. (burp) Sorry about that. Indigestion.
Now, let’s get down to work. We need to hurry up. Ahem, what would you like, my child?
Me: Untold riches, six-pack abs, a boob job, makeup storage, a back-lit shoe closet, a built-in hammock, a basement swimming pool, cool stuff for cool shit, a red convertible with the best satnav on the market, the ability to breathe underwater, turning back time, being forever young, and a chance to run my fingers through Mads Mikkelsen’s hair?
Santa: What do you say we try something more realistic, shall we? What wouldn’t you like?
Me: Six-pack abs, a boob job, makeup storage, a back-lit shoe closet, a built-in hammock, cool stuff for cool shit, a red convertible with the best satnav on the market, the ability to breathe underwater, turning back time, and being forever young.
I think I can live with untold riches (a pool comes as standard). I’m keeping Mads as well.
Santa: (mildly disappointed) Aw…Well….(he turns red and starts stammering)… I’ll see…what I can do…. It might take a while though…Burr, it’s so effing cold today. Almost feels like back home. Oh, dammit! I forgot my flask. You don’t happen to have some booze in here, do you?
Me: Sure I do, Santa. You’ve come to the right place. How about some home-made plum brandy?
Santa: Why, certainly! (takes a sip and smiles contentedly, turning up his long gray mustache.)
Me: As for the gift, noooo problem. I can totally wait, though I’m not the most patient person in the world.
Santa: I have to dash now. I locked the elves in the workshop. They were punished for not getting the job done. (takes a few more sips) Ungrateful brats! I should have left them something to eat though.
Me: Isn’t there Mrs. Claus?
Santa: She left. Met some sailor and eloped with him.
Me: To the South Pole?
Santa: God no! It’s twice as cold there. She took off for California. Says she finds the weather there much more agreeable…(looking away) I wish I was I bird so I could fly over certain people and shit on their heads.
Me: (awkwardly) Oh…Want some chocolate?
Santa: Always. Chocolate doesn’t ask silly questions. Chocolate understands.
(with his mouth full) Life is like a penis. Simple, soft, straight, relaxed and hanging freely (crunch, crunch) Then women make it hard.
Me: Santa…(hiding chocolate) may I ask you something? How do you get your reindeer to fly?
Santa: I’m afraid I can’t tell you that. It’s a SECRET. But I’ll give you some hints.
Me: Is it elf magic? Or magic dust?
Santa: (glug glug) No, nothing like that. I’m too old for that. It’s not time warping either. That was before. (whispering) I’m using drones and hoverboards now. It’s more convenient, don’t you think? Shhhhh. (turning around to check nobody else is there)
(hiccuping) Mind if I get some more of that exquisite liquor to go?
Me: Slivovitz? No, not at all. Why don’t you take the whole bottle? We have enough supplies for the winter.
Santa: That’s awfully kind of you. How can I turn that generous offer down?
Me: You can’t and you won’t. Goodbye Santa. Take care.
I’m standing by the window, watching him stagger to his feet, swaying a little. Rudolph’s all set to lead the sled.
Me: Santa, don’t you think you need to sober up first? That’s called driving under the influence.
Santa: Ha-ha. Don’t worry about me. I’m an expert at making the rounds.
(waving and shouting)
Merry Xmas and Happy New Year everyone!
Hope you get everything you wish for.