EVERYTHING YOU ALWAYS WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT SANTA (BUT WERE AFRAID TO ASK)

The New Year’s approaching. Holiday hassle, shopping for gifts, getting in the Xmas spirit, invitations, hosting guests and cleaning up after them. No thanks, I’ll pass.

Creating fantasies about what the next year will bring. Now you’re talking!

Making a TO-DO list:

1. Stay realistic. No, please don’t. I’m sick of your realism. Dream more, let others dream, don’t interrupt them in the middle of their unrealistic dreams only because they are unrealistic.
2. Send greeting cards: appreciation and congratulation messages, birthday wishes, baby wishes, wedding anniversary wishes, new job wishes, holiday, thank you, get well and good luck cards, motivation, encouragement and retirement letters.
Best of luck. Many happy returns. May your pockets be heavy and your heart light. You will definitely win the race. Wishing you a lifetime of love and happiness. May the year ahead be filled with joy. Pathetic?! So I thought.

* Get better soon or I’ll break your legs again.
* One year older. You think age is a funny thing?! Wait till you look at yourself in the mirror.
* You made it another year without one of you either ending up dead or in jail. I call that a win.
* I hope your precious bundle of joy doesn’t grow up to be a serial killer.
* Congrats on your retirement. You’ll be one more person who’s happy on Mondays.
* I wish you love and happiness. Blah, blah…screw that! I wish you lots of sex, booze, orgasms and hope you win the lotto!
* If you got stung by a jelly fish, I’d totally pee on you.

3. Write to Santa. Don’t be modest! Wish big wishes. Look at today’s kids. Sure they want a baby kitten or a puppy, but they would also like a Nerf gun, a Monster High doll/four wheeler, an iPod, an iPhone, and a lap top.

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I tear up 2 pages, grab a pen and start writing.

 

Dear Santa,

I hope you are doing well.

Is it very cold at the North Pole?
How do you get your reindeer to fly? How are the elves?
Is there Mrs. Claus?

I’ll leave you some milk and cookies, just so you know (or you’d rather have a hamburger and Pepsi?)
I hope to get some gifts in exchange. I’m not really into gifts but this year I changed by mind. I wouldn’t like a surprise in a box. I hate surprises.

 

I hear sleigh bells ringing. Jolly laugh seems terribly familiar.

Crunch, crunch, crunch. Bang! (somebody’s coming down the chimney) Could it be burglars?

A moment later, I see a portly, joyous, white-bearded man wearing a red coat, white-fur-cuffed red pants, a black leather belt and boots, and carrying a huge bag in his hand.

Ho, ho, ho.

 

chimney.PNG

 

Santa: Ah-choo!

Me: (taken aback) Bless you, Santa. My, oh, my, who would have…Can I call you Santa?

Santa: Thank you. You can call me Santa Claus or Saint Nicholas, Saint Nick, Kris Kringle, Father Christmas, Santy or simply Santa. I hope you were good this year.

Me: Well…………That’s a loooooooong story. Aren’t you in a hurry? You came earlier this year. It’s not Xmas day yet. I didn’t expect you so soon.

Santa: Yes. I have lots of presents to deliver. (burp) Sorry about that. Indigestion.

Now, let’s get down to work. We need to hurry up. Ahem, what would you like, my child?

Me: Untold riches, six-pack abs, a boob job, makeup storage, a back-lit shoe closet, a built-in hammock, a basement swimming pool, cool stuff for cool shit, a red convertible with the best satnav on the market, the ability to breathe underwater, turning back time, being forever young, and a chance to run my fingers through Mads Mikkelsen’s hair?

Santa: What do you say we try something more realistic, shall we? What wouldn’t you like?

Me: Six-pack abs, a boob job, makeup storage, a back-lit shoe closet, a built-in hammock, cool stuff for cool shit, a red convertible with the best satnav on the market, the ability to breathe underwater, turning back time, and being forever young.

I think I can live with untold riches (a pool comes as standard). I’m keeping Mads as well.

Santa: (mildly disappointed) Aw…Well….(he turns red and starts stammering)… I’ll see…what I can do…. It might take a while though…Burr, it’s so effing cold today. Almost feels like back home. Oh, dammit! I forgot my flask. You don’t happen to have some booze in here, do you?

Me: Sure I do, Santa. You’ve come to the right place. How about some home-made plum brandy?

Santa: Why, certainly! (takes a sip and smiles contentedly, turning up his long gray mustache.)

Me: As for the gift, noooo problem. I can totally wait, though I’m not the most patient person in the world.

Santa: I have to dash now. I locked the elves in the workshop. They were punished for not getting the job done. (takes a few more sips) Ungrateful brats! I should have left them something to eat though.

Me: Isn’t there Mrs. Claus?

Santa: She left. Met some sailor and eloped with him.

Me: To the South Pole?

Santa: God no! It’s twice as cold there. She took off for California. Says she finds the weather there much more agreeable…(looking away) I wish I was I bird so I could fly over certain people and shit on their heads.

Me: (awkwardly) Oh…Want some chocolate?

Santa: Always. Chocolate doesn’t ask silly questions. Chocolate understands.
(with his mouth full) Life is like a penis. Simple, soft, straight, relaxed and hanging freely (crunch, crunch) Then women make it hard.

Me: Santa…(hiding chocolate) may I ask you something? How do you get your reindeer to fly?

Santa: I’m afraid I can’t tell you that. It’s a SECRET. But I’ll give you some hints.

Me: Is it elf magic? Or magic dust?

Santa: (glug glug) No, nothing like that. I’m too old for that. It’s not time warping either. That was before. (whispering) I’m using drones and hoverboards now. It’s more convenient, don’t you think? Shhhhh. (turning around to check nobody else is there)

(hiccuping) Mind if I get some more of that exquisite liquor to go?

Me: Slivovitz? No, not at all. Why don’t you take the whole bottle? We have enough supplies for the winter.

Santa: That’s awfully kind of you. How can I turn that generous offer down?

Me: You can’t and you won’t. Goodbye Santa. Take care.

 

I’m standing by the window, watching him stagger to his feet, swaying a little. Rudolph’s all set to lead the sled.

Me: Santa, don’t you think you need to sober up first? That’s called driving under the influence.

Santa: Ha-ha. Don’t worry about me. I’m an expert at making the rounds.

(waving and shouting)

 

Merry Xmas and Happy New Year everyone!

Hope you get everything you wish for.

 

geese.PNG

 

Author: Blogging_with_Bojana

I'm diggin' Need to grow, have to push Flicking through vinyl and feeding the rush I dig for that one and I open the haunt It's takin' all day from the back to the front I'm diggin' and diggin' You know Sorry baby I'm gone diggin' www.bloggingwithbojana.com

52 thoughts on “EVERYTHING YOU ALWAYS WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT SANTA (BUT WERE AFRAID TO ASK)”

  1. Sympa ton article…
    Alors j’ai commandé pour toi au Père Noel :
    Un peu plus de rêve et moins de réalisme…
    Ah au fait moi je déteste les cartes de vœux Grrrr
    Bisous Baci et belle journée à toi
    Tony

    Liked by 3 people

    1. En fait, j’ai arrêté d’envoyer des cartes de vœux aussi. J’avais l’habitude d’en envoyer beaucoup à ma grand-mère et à mes parents. C’est marrant comme personne ne le fait plus.
      Je vais essayer d’écouter ton conseil et d’être un peu plus Alice au pays des merveilles. Je promets.
      Qu’est ce que tu voudrais du Père Noël?
      Bisous

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Alors je vais te surprendre…Ou pas !!! Mais pour Noel Baci, je souhaite trouver ma voie…
        Voila, gros bisous à toi et merci pour tes gentils passages.
        Tony

        Liked by 2 people

  2. Now you’ve done it. Since you treated Ol’ Nick with a Zen Master’s verbal sleight of hand, he has just issued a somewhat cryptic press release asking the naughty children of the world to describe the sound of one hand clapping and then adding something about gifts having no inherent existence rendering the act of delivering them a fool’s pursuit. Ah, well. Maybe it will impart an important lesson to the snot nosed kids of the world, but probably not. Regardless, this was brilliantly funny.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I read this morning that Santa’s sleigh would have to travel at just over 5 million mph to cover the entire world in just one night. I’m assuming if he was high on plum brandy he would require at least a 30% faster rate of travel. If he were stopping for milk, cookies, and chocolate he just might need to jump to light speed.

    Or start a couple of days early, as I see Santa has done here. 😎

    And Mr. Claus doesn’t have to worry about drinking and flying, the reindeer do all the work these days. 😉

    A very witty and enjoyable romp through the life of Santa and the mind of Bojana; thank you for ending my work day with a gut-busting laugh!

    Liked by 3 people

      1. I was really good this year, so he brought me:

        One princess ballerina doll (the one with curly hair),
        A pair of skates, a pogo stick, one fuzzy teddy bear;
        A pink snow cap with matching gloves, a puppy in a box,
        A stocking with my favorite sweets, a brand new set of blocks;
        Another china doll (I dropped the one I had;
        I thought that it’d get better, but the injury was bad).
        A set of drums, a big doll house, a new bell for my bike,
        The sweater that my best friend has (so we can look alike);
        A great big pack of bubble gum (I chew it every day),
        A radio, a telescope, a massive wad of clay.
        A wallet (with money, that was nice),
        A machine that makes snow cones out of ice.
        Some pink fur boots, and paper dolls, and board games stacked sky high,
        A jump rope and a hula-hoop, a kite that I can fly;
        The fastest sled in all the world, a bouncy ball, no two,
        A big notepad, and glitter pens, some scissors, tape, and glue;
        A chocolate-colored horse that I can ride to school,
        And, believe it or not, a brand new swimming pool;
        Puzzles, ribbons for my hair, a journal with a lock,
        Picture books, a painting set, my very own pet rock;
        A snow globe that plays music when you wind it up real tight,
        A soft stuffed moose that I can hold when I get scared at night;
        A new swing set and curly slide, that will be so fun,
        A checkers board, some dresses, and stickers by the ton.

        But now that I look at it, he may have had the wrong door. 😏

        Liked by 3 people

      2. Noooooooo. Keep it all, I’ll be right there. I need at least half of this stuff. Then we can invite all our friends and play together (I’ll bring the booze but shhh, our parents can’t find out about it). What do you say we play with building blocks first? I LOVE BUILDING BLOCKS. We could even throw a pajama party.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Deal! Yeah, big man was not getting out of here with all this stuff. And we’re in the clear. I signed Paul’s name.

        Hurry over! I’ll wind up the snow globe for tunes and get the snow cones going… see you soon!!

        Liked by 1 person

  4. You always have a fresh, unique perspective for us 👍 I loved the letter to Santa with the ridiculously long URL 🤣🙌 And the letter is priceless!!!

    Merry Christmas to you and your family, too, my friend 🎄❄️❄️😛❄️🎉🍾🎈💫 I can’t wait for your 2018 blog entries!

    Liked by 1 person

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