I’ve been going in the wrong direction for quite some time now (pretty much like this sad world we live in) and getting back on track in my case means opening both my brain and heart. My optimistic pessimism is telling me some of us lost souls are going to recover some time the future after all, though making an accurate prognosis is not that easy. On the other hand, the prognosis about the planet we occupied, well, you know, we screwed up big time. Nevertheless, the fact that it is peopled by hundreds of thousands of eccentric folks, exotic wackos, weirdos, kooks, crackpots, oddballs, screwballs, fruitcakes, geeks, nerds, nutcases, dudes having a screw loose, let off madmen, castaways and misfits gives me an awkward sense of security, however false it might be.
Welcome to my HEART & BRAIN REPAIR SHOP.
I am a patient. I am a doctor. I am a nurse. Trust me, being all three at the same time is no fun and can be damn exhausting. Still, I reckon it has both good points and downsides. I can’t think of the benefits right now but I’m sure there are some.
I am excited. I am scared.
You’re right to be wary, but this time I believe we can take my word for it. I have no reason to lie to us.
It’s me, that is you, that is us.
Wait a sec. You’re going bananas here. Who the hell is ‘we?’ I thought there’s one and only me.
I’ll have to disappoint you; there’s actually three of us.
You mean like in patient-doctor-nurse ME?
I mean ego-id-superego ME, but you can call it any way you please. You know, one’s rational, instinctive and moral being. I guess we’ll have to squeeze in. Don’t just stand there. Move your big ass, will you?
(I hate her smartassness) Let’s drop it for now, shall we, and do the patient-doctor-nurse scene. We can’t keep people waiting.
No problem. You’re the boss.
You bet I am.
DOCTOR: You are a sick woman, are you aware of that?
PATIENT: Well, I prefer calling it unwell.
DOCTOR: I don’t recall asking for your opinion.
PATIENT: (to herself) I want a second opinion.
DOCTOR: Nurse, start typing please.
Medical history taken, diagnostic tests performed (MRI, CT, ECG, X-ray, blood pressure, urine and stool analyses, blood, breath and gastro tests. Colonoscopy: uncheck – no colon).
REPORT: Unresolved medical problems. Peculiar condition detected: no disease known to medicine, yet the patient is complaining of the aching soul. Consultations with a psychiatrist and therapist scheduled. Treatment recommended (pain meds a must). Complementary and alternative medicine suggested.
Symptoms of abnormal heart rhythms (investigate the cause of chest pains), abdominal unease, insomnia, absentmindedness, chronic impatience, anxiety, moodiness, tiredness, sadness, and overuse of sarcasm.
NOTE: A highly demanding, uncooperative and contradictory patient, aggressive at times. Refuses conventional drug treatment. Extra effort required!!! (Consider tying up the patient in follow-ups). Long period of healing ahead.
FUTURE COURSE OF ACTION: Proceed to treatment ASAP: reducing inflammation, finding causes, looking deep, looking back (not in anger).
Should the patient show no signs of recovery any time soon, please put her on a wait list for an operation.
NURSE: Breast augmentation, Dr. Strangelove?
DOCTOR: No, either brain or heart removal. Time will tell which one she needs less.