You know those personality tests we used to do in high school? Well, I did one the other day. Boy, did I enjoy! Stupid and untrue as they may be, I’ve loved doing them for as long as I can remember. We’re on our bench in the schoolyard, my friends and me, giggling, elbowing, poking, nudging, sighing, smoking, puffing, fighting, hugging, kissing, touching, humming, singing, whistling, whispering, confiding, being painfully honest, gossiping, learning, considering 101 off-the-wall places to have sex, bursting into tears, bursting into laughter, yelling at the top of our lungs, laughing our lungs out, living and dying for. We share secrets and same dreams, exchange ideas, glances, clothes, records, teen magazines and books. We discover sexuality from Erica Jong, INXS, Bukowski, Edward II, older pals and one another. We put pictures of Kim Basinger and Nastassja Kinski on our bedroom walls. We want to talk like Annie Lennox’s lovers do. We want to seduce like Sharon Stone. Loves me, loves me not, only wants to…, really cares about me.
6 sure signs to read his mind, 5 practical ways to find out whether someone really loves you, 11 undeniable signals she’s into you, 8 certain things to prove you’ve got a crush, 44 reasons why I love you, 100 reasons why I hate you, 15 best ways to sweet talk to a girl, 25 romantic ideas to make your lover melt, 20 greatest quotes about love, 30 irresistible suggestions on how to write a perfect love message, 8 tips on how to leave him, 8 tips on what to do when his ex-girlfriend won’t leave him, 13 hints on how to turn a girl on, 22 responses to use when turning someone down for a date, 3 questions to ask that will make her want to tear your clothes off, top 14 most sexually charged excerpts from erotica books, endless foreplay, masturbation and sex advice. Plans, designs, schemes, projects, proposals, propositions, recommendations, aims, intentions, objectives, goals, targets. Indications, symptoms, pointers, indicators, marks, manifestations, demonstrations, exhibitions, presentations, displays, illustrations. Proofs, confirmations, affirmations, verifications, validations.
“What are you – optimist or pessimist?” is what the test’s called. I tick I don’t mind the rain. I start planning my next holiday as soon as I arrive home after a great one so as to have something to look forward to. I’m 40 – getting older – so what? A cold is just a cold; it won’t kill me. My partner has ended our relationship – he wasn’t the right for me. I have to make an important life decision – I’m going to take my time to think carefully about it. It’s autumn – a beautiful time of the year. I unexpectedly inherit £5,000 – great! I can buy a few luxuries that I couldn’t afford before.
Up next – how I scored…