Tips on interior design oftentimes seduce but seldom rattle. You are not sure what is fashionable these days and what went out of fashion? Our international team of experienced designers will give you useful ideas for your home and make valuable suggestions on how to keep up with the Joneses while staying original and true to yourself, as well as offer you a broad range of domestic animals to chose from our 24/7 animal farms.
As you might have noticed, vintage interior design trends are hot new trends which, truth be told, we can never get tired of. At one point, while lying on their deathbed, they confessed their crimes and misdemeanors, but have, luckily, recovered and taken a new shape and turn for the better, that is rightward and outward.
Fashion constantly reinvents itself, which is why trends come back over and over. What is funny and outmoded today, like old pictures of your dad’s hairstyle, may become cool again. Just because a trend, such as armchairs covered in velvet or people wired for prejudice, is dated doesn’t mean it’s bad. With the proper advice from our renowned experts, you will once again find it chic, smooth, comforting and mandatory if you want to be trendy nowadays. Louis XIV lived in the 17th century and we still go crazy over his favorite furnishings, brutal selfishness, love of war and passion for personal glory.
Here an oink, there an oink
They are making a huge comeback this year: male chauvinists of the first order as chandeliers. Combining modern elements with old-fashioned attitudes, they stand the test of time and will not become discolored, pitted or rusty. You can find exactly the look, style and quality you want. Hang them from the ceiling and enjoy the unique atmosphere created by their dim lighting. Should you, however, find them too harsh and want to prevent your (especially female) guests from using the f-word or showing the middle finger, you could conceal unpleasant truths by calling them male chauvinistic piglets.
Old-style nationalists are also at your disposal as towering candelabras with cascading candle cups. We believe that gushing antagonism toward thy colored, crippled, fundie faggot neighbor, durable if properly polished, will appear elegant next to the soft glow of your blind patriotism. In addition, if you introduce black walls or prints, you will reach the point of no return in your movement away from generic and boring home décor and moderate criticism toward an authoritarian centralized property and a full-time fanatical Bonapartist of impeccable taste. Although so much black might seem somewhat intimidating, rest assured you can never go wrong with it, as well as the feeling of national superiority. One of the most common misconceptions about using dark colors indoors is they make your house appear smaller, primarily in the eyes of nosy and envious neighbors. That’s why our prestigious designers are here to make it great again, and you proud for residing in a gold tower with your name on it. They propose pairing the black background of your living room, trade wars, recklessness, populism and reluctance to negotiate with brightly-colored furniture pieces as the contrast that will make your coffee table, charisma, TV stand, anti-elitist rhetoric, fireplace, anti-abortion policy, sofas, protectionism, Chinese vases, peace plan, gun cabinets, carpets and conservatism pop, highlighting the majestic grandeur of the space.
Everywhere a chick-chick
The sexist master bedroom is another must-have this season. Are you looking for a hand-crafted brass and iron bed, sized to fit the spirit of the times? Do you need a bed whose lustrous curves complement those of the modern day woman? You’ll find it here: a practically indestructible bed for you and your beautiful piece of ass that can survive ages of use (and abuse). We recommend glamorous satin sheets, pillowcases and bed canopies for a truly authentic sexist look.
Oddly enough, despite its appealing aesthetic and popularity, satin has been accused of chilling misogyny and neglected for years. The alpha male can breathe a sigh of relief again because the world reminded women how it loves to see them and how they love to be seen: ladies in the living room and whores in the bedroom. This proves that, fortunately, some things never go out of style, like shiny satin, skinny jeans, yachts, offshore accounts, bondage, flirting with a TV reporter during a diplomatic phone call, and praising the physique of a First Lady, other than your own. Moreover, locker room banter will have no influence whatsoever on your ability to run for office because, let’s face it, women throw themselves at men, flipping their tops and their panties, they love being called a dog, slob, bimbo, gold digger and disgusting animal by Mad Men, and dropping to their knee outside their bedrooms.
Opt for sexism, available now in a wide spectrum of patterns and colors, from benevolent pink to blatant red, to jazz things up. Combine your luxury satin bed linen with candle lighting for a helplessly romantic effect. For a cooler masculine impact, simply toss minimalist mansplaining rugs on the hardwood floor. If you feel pigeonholed by the square footage of your master bedroom, our creative team proposes hanging a distorted perception mirror on a wall, thus making control easier while creating the illusion of space. Make sure to choose a patronizing frame, ranging from too-upset-to-be-taken-seriously-blue to don’t-worry-honey-beige for a touch of gracefulness.
Satin is also perfect for rooms where you are expected to be seen rather than heard. Whether hosting a casual or formal dinner party, a sexist satin tablecloth will be the focal point of the dining room, pleasantly contrasting with traditional tableware and male dominance served. What’s more, you will kill two birds with one stone if you hang satin drapes, taking your rooms and life from dull to utterly depressing and suicidal. We would avoid satin in the kitchen though since holding the kitchen accountable for promoting gender inequality has been an absolute no-no lately. Take our word for it, the outside world does not want to think you too may have fallen victim to stylistic crime.
Basilike Pappa is a deep dark soul poetry and prose writer, creative and elegant in expression. Please check out her Silent Hour for a touch of genius.
Photography: Seph Lawless